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  • Help :) Any hints on how to improve it?

  • Massimo “Marco” Peroncelli

    Member
    May 10, 2020 at 9:06 am

    At least, being a beginner, there is ample space for improvement 🙂

    But compared with the previous version, also thanks to @Claudio , it is really better.

    From my side, except for having forgotten one sentence at the end (last sentence of my grandfather: “Furthermore, I knew that when the war was over, I would go back to my wife”), I feel I couldn’t do it better.

    It doesn’t mean it’s perfect or good, it’s just THE BEST I can think of with my limited experience. So, I am looking for tips on how to improve it, possible before May 23rd when I have the all-divisions contest because yes, I passed the “Division A” contest 🙂

  • Claudio Sennhauser

    Member
    May 11, 2020 at 12:35 am

    Congratulations, Marco. Well done. Your improvement from the first time I saw you communicate this valuable message to this one is astonishing.

    You demonstrated some powerful rhetoric techniques, such as your use of repetition to underline key points. Expertly done!

    How can you make it even better? Here are a few thoughts:

    I’m not fond of the “But it feels like yesterday” start of the running story. Perhaps something like “…you are saying: ‘ah, it’s just one second.’ Yes, one short little second. But as you know, sometimes that can make a difference. <pause> When I was in high-school…”</pause>

    I think the race story has potential to add a bit curiosity and tension. You have enough time, so you can make this a little more descriptive. How did you feel when you were ahead of the others during the race? Did you see yourself winning already? Or you could make it a head-to-head race until…the last second when he pulled ahead by just a few inches. Keep the audience guessing until the end. And describe the race vividly (incl. your thoughts/feelings) to keep the audience engaged.

    The transition to the second story (“some other time”) also could be made stronger. Can you think of some kind of bridge that leads the audience from one story to the next? Same for the transition to the third story.

    While you have all the basics covered and a good energy level throughout, I felt you even upped it a notch when you got out the mask. From that time on, your gestures, voice, and pace were even more dynamic. Well done!

    All in all, a superb job. Congratulations again, Marco.

  • Nathan Gold

    Member
    May 11, 2020 at 12:28 pm

    Hi Marco,

    Here’s my feedback to help you make this better:

    1 – How much us this? as you start can be stronger and create more curiosity. When you show me a pack of money and I can only see one 1,000 bill, I feel like it is an obvious question or you are trying to fool me. Before I look further into your video, perhaps you can riffle through the money while asking the question or perhaps just start counting and go faster and faster until you abruptly stop and ask your question.

    2 – I agree with @Claudio and what he has already pointed out to you especially as it relates to transitions between your stories.

    3 – Your vocal variety here was super excellent.

    4 – Your eye contact with the camera is excellent. Keep it up.

    5 – Value-based pricing is a big point.

    6 – You can breathe more to give yourself more O2 to deliver your incredible messages. More breath will give you more ability to deliver more smoothly and with more confidence.

    7 – I look forward to your next rendition.

    Grinning

  • Massimo “Marco” Peroncelli

    Member
    May 19, 2020 at 4:40 am

    Ok, 2 things I am changing following your @Claudio @Nathan inputs:

    1) I will start with the money spread like a folding fan, so that you can see that “there is a lot” of them, but the public cannot count them. Or maybe, also, I will start counting them (up to 6/7) and THEN stop, and asking the question: “How much is it?”

    2) Transition from 1 to 2: I am still thinking, but from the high school race to the delayed arrival at the airport, I think I can say something like: “I lost, I lost by one second but I kept running, kept training, without knowing that, some years later, it could help landing my dream job” (and I will stress more the point of my “running through the airport corridors”). But saying it, it will already inform the public of the happy ending, so I will think about a slightly different sentence.

    3) Transition from 2 to 3: Still not sure, but something like “But sometimes, no matter how hard you train, no matter what you do, one month is the difference between being alive or being dead. You see, my brother was born one month too early…”

    4) I will think about some discussions I had with my grand father and slightly change the final sentences, I will especially try to link them to the value of time, to not wasting it (as I probably said already, I forgot ONE sentence in which my grand father said that he knew at the end of the war he would go back to his wife but still he didn’t waste the time simply waiting for it)

    Writing the ideas down, it helps me too, to see if they make sense or not 🙂

  • Claudio Sennhauser

    Member
    May 19, 2020 at 5:18 am

    Nice! I like these ideas for the transitions and look forward to seeing how it all comes together…

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